The Ugly Side of Parenting
As you all know, Emily had a rough introduction to life and Jon and I had a rough introduction to parenting. What I have found is that most people will tell you how wonderful and rewarding it is to be parents. Those same people, however, seem hesitant to tell you about what I call the "ugly side" of parenting. Luckily, I had some good friends who were very honest about parenting in its entirety (Thanks Misty!) and very supportive once Emily arrived.
So, why am I posting on this topic now, especially since Emily is 7 months old? Well, a couple of good friends of mine recently went through some hectic times in which their daughter has been crazy sick off an on. They posted about it and described what they called A Parent Freak Out. As I was reading this post, I remembered a time in which I had the ultimate freak out with Emily.
Let's set the scene shall we...
It was the early hours of the morning. Emily had been nursing off and on for hours. She was exhausted and I was exhausted. I couldn't put her down because she would wake up and we would start all over again. I believe Jon was back at work and I was trying to let him sleep so he could function. The help was gone and I was alone with Emily on the couch. Every time I looked at her all I could think about was how I really didn't want to be holding her anymore. When she started crying again, I cried with her. I could hardly stand the thought of putting her back to the breast for yet more nursing. It got so bad that I could not stand her touching me in order to feed. I was in total dispair and did not know what to do. At the time, I had no idea that nursing was not supposed to be like that. So if you are experiencing the same nightmare, get help...now!
Anyway, Emily started crying again and I was very literally at my wits end. So I picked her up to nurse her, but when I did, I snapped her head very quickly. I did not mean to. However, at her age, handeling her roughly like that could cause serious damage. I was instantly flooded with guilt and shame and terrified that I may have just hurt her. I cried with her for a while. All I could do was hug her to me and whisper "I'm sorry" over and over again. Not long after that, I put her down in the crib and left her for 10 minutes while I fixed her a bottle.
I don't really recall what happened after that. I just remember the horror that I felt when I realized how close I was to hurting my child. I can totally understand why some parents result to abusing their children. That may sound like a horrible thing to say, but it is true nonetheless. I am very thankful for that reality check. I needed to get a grip before something bad happened to both of us. And do not think that just because she did not get hurt that I don't still feel guilty about the incident. Of course I think about it less and less, but every once in a while when I get frustrated with Emily, I am reminded of this lesson and take a deep breath and calm myself. Thank goodness that Emily's development is right on track and she appears to be a very bright individual. The guilt still lingers on and probably will for the rest of my life.
Looking back on this incident, this is probably when the Post-Partum Depression came bubbling to the surface. I believe I was diagnosed not long after this happened. So Stephen, yes, I totally understand the Parent Freak Out you described. And it sounds like I may have even taken it one step further.
For those new parents out there, don't be afraid to put the child down and walk away to calm yourself. If you think you have post-partem depression, get help! The best piece of advice I received when Emily was born came from my doctor. She told me the following in the hospital, "No baby has ever died from crying." I have tried to take that to heart and not beat myself up over what did happen or what could have happened. Since then, I have not been afraid to put Emily down and walk away, or take her away from Jon if his frustration level is rising.
Although being a parent is a wonderful experience, it does have its ugly side too.
January 8th, 2008 - 12:06
Thanks for being willing to share this. I definitely can understand how parents would hurt their children, even if I don’t condone it.
January 8th, 2008 - 12:26
Yeah, your post about the freak out really got me thinking. I thought that if you could talk about such things, then so could I. Besides, if my story will help someone else through a hard time, then I’ve done my job. I’d like to think that someone will read my post and get the help they need, or at the very least know that someone out there understands what they are going through.
Thanks for having the courage to post about your freak out. It’s nice to know that I have someone who understands me as well
January 8th, 2008 - 12:57
Here via Live Granades. Thanks for the story; I am about to become a parent, and I am completley terrified. It’s good to know that this sort of thing happens to even the very best, most loving parents.
January 8th, 2008 - 13:19
Hey Joyous! Glad to have you visit out site. I did not realize that you were pregnant. Congratulations!
I went back to your site and read up on some of what I had missed. I haven’t caught all the way up but I noticed that you were exploring labor and delivery alternatives to the ‘normal’ way of doing so. While all I had was a doula and the want to go natural for as long as possible, I would be happy to answer any questions about those things if you have any. You should also check out Emily’s birth story. I believe the post is titled “Labor of Love.”
I’d love to catch up more on your pregnancy (even though it’s almost over). Again, congratulations. Being a parent is wonderful, even though some days are harder than others. Hope you stick with us!
January 8th, 2008 - 13:59
Don’t feel bad, I think that every new parent has an experience like that. I dropped Jake (not from great distance, but still) when he was about 3 months old. It really was WAY more traumatic for me than it was for him.
January 9th, 2008 - 09:02
I also agree that every new parent is going to go through these types of situations. It is great to see people talking about it. That way new parents who may think they’re not normal or bad people will know that they are normal.
I know that I went through multiple freak outs. I can’t think of any one example to share. But I do know I went through many, and fortunately I knew that it was normal.
Even with the subscription to Guilt Magazine.
January 13th, 2008 - 09:21
Thank you for sharing. I know that had to be hard, but I agree with your reasons for doing it.