To Emily: On Your 2nd Birthday
To My Little Emily:
Now you are two. My how those two years have flown. You have grown so much in these past two years that it all seems like a blur. I can remember carrying you in my womb, giving birth to you, and bringing you home for the first time. You have come a long way since then. It seems like yesterday you were beginning to crawl and taking your first steps. We have since moved on to first words and now short sentences. It will not be long before you are telling us exactly what you think about everything when you think it. Although I look forward to the many firsts we have yet to encounter, it is bittersweet at the same time. I miss the little Emily wrapped up in a fluffy towel snuggling into my lap right after bath. I miss the Emily that I could carry and swing around with the greatest of ease. These days, your legs dangle past my knees when I pick you up. I am glad you are a happy, growing girl but the time is going by too fast.
I watch you every day and try to committ it all to memory. I don't ever want to forget the way you come running up to me after a day at school or the way you smile and laugh with your father. I especially love the wrestling matches and tickle fests that you and your dad engage in. Every morning I look forward to seeing your smiling face and hearing your sweet voice. Even though I know the day will certainly have its share of tears and "no's"; I know that your infectious laughter will also be plentiful. I love the way you are surprised at the simplest thing, like bugs and water, and how you shout "Airpane!" when you look up at the sky-even if there isn't one. One of my favorites is when you see something you find amazing, look back at me with a surprised look on your face and say "Whoa!". You are becoming imaginative and starting to pretend on your own. That process has been amazing to watch. You make me laugh at so many things and appreciate things even more. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is a wonderful thing.
I jokingly say to friends and family that you can't be my child because you don't like to get dirty or paint or play in the water. But the truth is, you are my child, and I would never change that. You are mine, your father's, you are ours. That will never change, no matter how much you might wish that when you are a teenager. I now understand all those quotes and stories about motherhood. You are my heart. Letting go is and will be the hardest thing I ever have to do. Already I have had to let go of the baby you use to be and accept the strong-willed toddler saying "Help" at the top of her lungs, which is your equivalent of saying "I can do it myself". Come August, we will be letting go of the little girl in diapers and accepting the big girl who no longer needs them. Even though I try to encourage your independence, it is a double-edged sword. Part of my job as a mother is to ensure your health and well-being as a child, and help you grow into a mature, well-adjusted, productive adult. However, that part of my job conflicts directly with the other part of my job, to love you and protect you from any number of things, no matter how big or small the threat. I only hope that you one day will understand these things for yourself.
It is amazing to me to see the parts that your father and I passed on to you. You have my nose and your father's eyes, and our red hair. You have many of your father's personality traits, including his stubborness, and my inability to sit still for more than five seconds. It is interesting to see the results of your father and I squished into one tiny little person who also has a personality of her own. I look forward to watching your personality develop and I cannot wait to meet the person you are destined to be. But for now, you are mine, and I will treasure every minute of it.
You are my little girl, my baby, my angel now and forever.
I love you, Emily, so very much. We both do.
Happy Birthday.
Post-Vacation Blues
Boy, vacations sure are a lot of fun. In the middle of May, we spent a week in Virginia at Erin's house. Everyone had a blast and I am pretty sure that Emily and Jake enjoyed having a playmate for the week. We even managed to get back early enough to have a couple of days off due to the Memorial Day holiday. However, things have just been off with me ever since we got back. I have been tired, short-tempered, and generally stressed. I attribute all three symptoms to two root causes.
First, I have gotten out of the habit of getting up early and exercising in the morning. I believe that not exercising during our vacation has started a positive feedback loop. Not exercising means I am not as physically worn out at night, so I do not sleep well. Not sleeping well means that I feel too tired to get out of bed early enough to go exercise in the morning. Both of these symptoms feed back on each other causing both to get worse.
Second, it has been difficult for me to focus on projects that I have been wanting to get done. When I get home at night and finally get Emily to bed, I have been so tired that I just want to watch television for the 1.5 hours I have before I go to bed. Generally, this makes me feel guilty since I can think of so many other things that I want and should do. The guilt is likely contributing to my lack of sleep as well. Additionally, my task list and inbox keep growing since I am not really clearing them out. All of these contribute to a downward spiral where I get very little done.
So, what can I do to turn things around?
- I need to start exercising again as soon as possible. This weekend will be the perfect time because I do not have to worry about getting up extra early to exercise. Getting back in the exercise routine in the morning will increase my endorphin output and cause my day to start on a bright point. This alone might be enough to turn my mood around and kick me out of the funk.
- I need to do a really good weekly review. I put it off completely right after vacation because I was unable to get any "me" time to work on it due to sleeping in so late. This past week, I managed to get one done, but it was hurried and really was not very good. Doing a weekly review will get things out of my head. Getting "stuff" out of my head will let me concentrate more on what I am doing and less on what I could be doing.
- Strangely, I have found that getting out and working in the yard is putting me in a better mood. On Friday, I came home in a bit of a funk and just really wanted to be by myself. Luckily, I needed to get out and mow the yard. Doing that before dinner relaxed me and made it so that I could be back inside with the family without being irritable. Working out in the yard allows me to have the little bit of "me" time that I need to recharge my batteries after a long week.
I am going to work on applying these three principles over the next couple of weeks and see if that will break me out of these post-vacation blues.